where are my feelings?

I grew up in a patriarchal family, with an older brother.
Because my dad and my brother butted heads a lot, I flew under the radar, and did what I could to please my dad, to the point where he openly called me his favorite child, but that also meant my brother resented me openly and picked on me in my dad's absence.  The repercussions of this can be a separate novelet.

Anyways, one of the things I was criticized by my persecutor (my brother) was that 'you are so emotional'.  When someone who lives with you, who's physically larger, stronger, and older picks on a child 3 years younger, I don't see how one would not show emotions of anger, sadness, and rage, but, hey, that's what he said repeatedly, and I can still clearly hear it in my head.

I grew up with the impression that women are too emotional, too dramatic, nags too much, too chatty, too high maintenance, etc.  It's also a message I gathered from media, books (Pride and Prejudice, much?), and school environment. I didn't want to be that stereotype, so while I enjoy displaying my wit in conversations, I controlled my behavior to never be the loud mouthed, drama queen. At times, the outcome resulted as too vanilla.

But now... as a mother who has a reserved daughter, I want her to express her feelings when she is wronged at school by a peer. When a friend cuts in front of her, I want her to speak up for herself, and kindly, yet firmly say, 'hey, no cutting, wait for your turn.' I never did that for myself.  It could be lack of boundaries or my desire to not cause trouble by raising my voice, or my desire to avoid conflict by just ignoring unwanted behaviors.  I might lightly honk in bad traffic, but again, I'd never go face to face with conflict even with a child at a Disney Cruise line.

Plenty of people can't tell when I'm upset, because I don't show it.  Whether it's because a neighborhood kid wronged my child, or another kid blatantly lies to my face about sharing a toy, or someone who sings off key offers to team up with me on a singing project, I don't know how to speak my mind and say, 'oh hell, no.'  I'm afraid of offending anyone... but plenty seem to offend me, so what gives?

Like one time, my husband and I tossed the idea of visiting a part of the country (Sedona) we've never been for our 10 year anniversary celebration.  My mother-in-law offered to come along to help out with the kids because she's never been there either.  Of course, I said, "oh okay..."  of course, what I wanted to say was, "no, not the right occasion, no thank you, I'm an introvert, I don't like big family trips."

When topics come up in my therapy where I feel pain, or sadness, but not sure exactly why because I've forgotten the specific events, my typical comment to my therapist is, 'so how do I get past this?'  My therapist tells me, I need to acknowledge my feelings, both good and bad.  I need to remember the bad so that I can remember the good as well. But I've been operating like, "get over it, get through it, next task, next goal, screw this, I am just going to get away from this, or cut this off" for a long time.  I so wanted to forget the bad feelings that my good feelings have gotten fuzzy as well.  There is a lot of my past I don't remember anymore... There are pictures in my album where I have no idea who the friends around me are. I remember the orchestra uniform hanging in a closet, but I don't remember playing violin wearing it.

So where are my feelings? I can't even tell why I'm sad sometimes...
I'm curious who else feels like this...