A letter to my 25 year old self

Dear 25 year old self,

I’m 40 this year, and it’s not as old as you thought it would be…

I have a fuzzy memory about lots of things due to something you will find out when you are around 33...

Despite your current anxiety, you will meet a kind man with gentle strength who is the opposite of a playboy, and get married… not as early as your parents had hoped, but you will get married before you are 30. And yes, he is actually the man you saw in your dreams, but you won’t realize it until he gets a really short haircut one day, and the lights are dimmed while you guys were watching Battlestar Galactica at a friend’s house.

You will also get to have your lifelong dream of becoming a mother, but it isn’t as soon as you had hoped, and you to hit a near death bump along the way, but the point is, you do become a mother of a daughter (who will keep you on your mental toes, so don’t skimp on your sleep now), and a son who melts your heart everyday. I know, I know, you thought you only wanted daughters, but this son of ours… you will be smitten with him even as he breaks down in tears because he’s so sweet.  He will love you and pay attention to you in ways no one ever has before.

The profession you worked so hard to excel in, you will do well in it but it won’t last as long as you think. It’s not your whole life, so take a break every once in a while, and go on vacations instead of taking extra classes and feeling anxious over every other colleagues’ success. And that boss that insulted you and fostered a bad environment for you, you will be vindicated from that situation to a much more supportive and fulfilling company in a few years, all expenses paid!

There’s someone you adore and love with all your heart who will pass away in a few years… our mom: she gets sick with something her doctor missed, something that could have been more easily taken care of if caught earlier. So either insist she gets her blood work tested every year, or take videos of her with you (because the sound of her voice is the first thing you will forget about her), and ask her to write down your favorite recipes that she makes… especially that fried chicken that’s even better than the BonChon chicken, and the sweet and salty slivered squid side dish. You won’t be able to recreate her foods exactly… but your picky children will still love the dishes she used to make for you.

We are going to grieve her for a long time. Our family will basically fall apart after her departure… but God won’t leave you alone, and he will send others to help you up. And don’t go into denial that she isn’t actually gone just because you lived on the opposite coasts… grief will catch up to you, and wake you up in tears in the middle of the night.  The sooner you accept her departure, the sooner you can draw from the strength she passed on to you.

We are going to deal with depression. Seek therapy sooner rather than later, but you'll go through 2 therapists before you find the right fit. In therapy, you will gain many tools to help cope with the valleys, but that also means you have a few more things to grieve along the way.

Our parents never told us this, but you are enough. You don’t need to be the best to be lovable. You don’t have to be a workaholic to be valued. You don’t have to be 10lbs thinner to be attractive. You don’t have to be 2 inches shorter to marry a Korean guy either, come to think of it. 

When there’s something you want, ask for it. Don’t volunteer for everything you are capable of doing, you will burn out. It doesn’t matter what other people think of you, it matters what God thinks of you.  God never said, you should be a good Korean daughter.

You do have to brush your teeth more carefully… apparently, our teeth are soft and are prone to damage more than the average. Your acne scars and sunspots will linger, so slather on that sun block... those hyper-pigmentation serums don’t work on you, and really don't squeeze the acne. 

Those stretch marks you saw on your mom-yup, that’s genetic, and you are definitely her biological daughter. We will never wear a bikini, but that's was never our point, was it?  Oh and the thing she said about giving birth to large babies without painkillers? What worked on her, doesn’t work on you… embrace modern medicine… no need to suffer for 15 hrs for your labor to progress. You will get to nurse your children after a lot of hard work even though she couldn’t, not that this is a competition.

All this to say, be present in your current life more than always thinking you aren’t good enough unless you achieve XYZ. You are stronger than you were led to believe. You didn't grow up with everything you needed, your family was a lot more messed up than you can admit.  Stay away from the flirty guys, and cherish the girl friends who are in your life now, many of them stay friends for life, through funerals, weddings and coast-to-coast moves. You won’t be where you thought you were going to be at 40, but you are loved, and cherished, and you are your children's whole world.  You are still sad deep in side, but I am working on that, hoping this won't become our children's legacy.

Your champion,

Your 40 year old self